Saturday, May 30, 2009

Vomit #15: Brit dork goes too far

Police arrested a 27-year old nerd in Pissville, Utah yesterday, after he beat to death with his bare hands another comic fan at the local store. Police have booked Wilberforce Duetch for murder, although it is unlikely he will be convicted.

“We figure it was justifiable homicide,” said Sheriff Jack T. Chance in a press statement yesterday. “We don’t see the need to take this to trial. The limey bastard wouldn’t shut up about how American comics were so pitiful compared to British ones, and no American should have to put up with that.”

“It’s true,” agreed Duetch, joining the sheriff at the press conference. “He just kept going on about how British comics were the best, how the ‘Beano’ is a seminal influence on young British artists, how ‘Crisis’ spawned unlikely masterpieces from worthy creators, how, compared to any American heroes, Judge Dredd had genuinely matured as a character over his twenty-five years and blah blah fucking blah.”

“No American should put up with that crap,” said Sheriff Chance, slapping Duetch heartily on the back. “This is Captain America country.”

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Vomit #14: '07 up the arse

With Transformers, Thundercats and a dozen other shitty concepts that were inexplicably popular when you were eight years old making an impact on the comic market over the past few years, nostalgia for the 1980’s is at an embarrassingly high level. And some are predicting the trend isn’t going to stop at 1989.

“We’re seeing a lot of kids coming in and asking for stuff from 2007,” said Doyle Blackburn, owner of Comic Comics; Assburg, Indiana’s sixth-finest comic store. ‘They’re sick of all the stuff their big brothers like, and they want their own shit. We’re seeing an intense interest in books like the semi-classic Sinestro Corps War arc and World War Hulk, with that interest coming from people who have fond memories of hunting down the first few issues and then getting interested in girls and forgetting about the rest.”

“I guess it’s the classics that always remain popular,” added Blackburn. “We’ve all got the attention spans of spastic ants at the moment, so something that is more than 12 months ago feels like it happened a lifetime ago. But who can give enough of a shit to go back further than 12 months?”

Asked whether they would be investigating this new trend, Marvel, DC, Image and Dark Horse all told us to get fucked.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Vomit #13: Sad piece of shit

In a display of pathetic hopelessness almost always confined to young white men, Peter Marwood, from Stiffshit, Alabama, drank half a bottle of vodka, listened to Radiohead on his stereo and cried like a little girl as he read an old ‘Joker’ comic book last night.

“It’s just like when I was a kid!” blubbed Marwood down the phone line from Stiffshit. “I was five and reading this thing when my Dad went off and got himself a life. Fuck, I can still remember the smell of his aftershave as he walked out the door!”

After consuming the rest of his bottle, Marwood continued ranting as his voice become more and more unintelligible.

“It’s just so fucking beautiful, all these memories locked up in a small comic book. All the love, all the hate…”

Marwood soon passed out after completing his statement.

Industry reaction has unanimously written off Marwood’s outburst as ‘very, very sad’.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Vomit #12: Geek anger reaches new lows

A group of angry comic fans are angry, but have banded together with a common aim: To stop Peter David from signing his name as PAD.

“We’ve had enough,” said Francis Begbie, spokesman for the S.P.P.D.S.H.N.A.P.A. (Society for the Prevention of Peter David Signing his Name As PAD Anymore). “Sure, it was amusing for a little while, but it’s just fucking irritating now. Why can’t he just sign his name like everyone else? Is this supposed to be some sort of gimmick or something?”

When it was pointed out that fan groups like this have a notoriously low rate of success, Begbie appeared unconcerned.

“Sure, H.E.A.T. was a total failure in the short term, but ultimately prevailed after boring the piss out of everybody for 10 years and we’re not trying to change a corporate entities mind. We’re just trying to get somebody to write their name properly.”

“You’re shitting me,” moaned David when told of the movement. “I mean, I know geeks have a lot of time on their hands, but… Jesus Christ…”

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Vomit #11: Miracleman shit gets sorted

Todd McFarlane, creator of a whole bunch of toys, has shocked, stunned and shocked the comic world by formally waiving his rights to ‘Miracleman’, giving Neil Gaiman or whoever the fuck owns him total control over the character.

“Yeah, it’s true,” said McFarlane on the phone from somewhere in the godforsaken wilderness of Canada. “I figured I had plenty of money, and I don’t really need this character. Neil, or whoever the fuck really owns him, can have him, with all my blessings.”

In an apparently unrelated item yesterday, it was reported that Hell had frozen over.

“It’s the damnedest thing,” admitted the Devil. “It was perfectly fine yesterday, but I got up this morning and there’s all this fucking ice everywhere. How the Me am I supposed to run things around here when they’re using my lake of fire as a fucking ice rink?”

The Prince of Darkness could offer no explanations for Hell freezing over, but suspected that that “Jehovah cunt probably has something to do with it…”

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Vomit #10: Forget your greens, comics are better for you

Despite years of being distrusted, misinterpreted and accused of perverting young minds, an extensive study by leading scienticians at the University of Shinola has discovered that comics are actually good for you.

“The results are surprising, but entirely accurate,” explained Doctor Roger DeMarco, pointing to an impressive chart full of graphs and shit. “Despite an inordinately large proportion of obesity, comic readers tend to live a lot longer that non-comic readers. It appears that the sparking of the imagination, immersion in a totally fictional world and the lessening of stress caused by the re-reading of a favourite comic are all extremely healthy.”

Doctor DeMarco also used comic creators themselves as examples of the health benefits of comics.

“Sure, a hell of a lot of comic creators ending up burning out at an early age, but others are almost immortal. Look at Stan Lee or Joe Kubert or Frank Frazetta. Lee’s body has mummified to the point where mortal weapons cannot harm him. Kubert is nearly 206 years old, but he’s just too damn tough to die and Frazetta could still take you in a fight.”

Following the issuing of this report, the United States government was about to deliver eleventy-million comic books around the country. But after discovering that comics aren’t just for kids anymore, funding was quickly withdrawn.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Vomit #9: ComiXman vents, ruptures spleen

With 217,000 comics published every month, the search for new talent to fill those books has never been fiercer, but internet legend ComiXman still can’t believe he hasn’t been contacted yet.

“Frankly, I’m infuriated,” wrote ComiXman on a message board somewhere on the seedier side of the web yesterday. “I’ve got a thousand ideas that would make everybody in the world read Marvel and DC comics, but they’re just not contacting me. Surely there’s no better man for the job?”

When asked for his credentials, ComiXman went off his tits.

“I am the world’s premier internet personality! I’ve been here since we were hanging on one server beneath the Pentagon. For the entire existence of the World Wide Web, I’ve been spreading the word of comics, generating debate and offering sage advice and answers to difficult questions. Remember the whole Iron Man vs. X-Men thing? I started that! I’ve been at CBR, the Warren Ellis forum, the Alvero message boards, the Bendis boards, Barbelith, Millarworld, I’ve had a voice everywhere!”

Despite attempts to calm him down, ComiXman was indignant with righteous fury.

“I had the third comic blog ever and have posted every day for 3324 days in a row. My name is out there, but even with my email address CLEARLY visible, they won’t do me the common courtesy of saving their companies.”

DC pretended to not know what the Comics Vomit was talking about, but Marvel remains unimpressed.

“ComiXman can suck my cock!” said Joe Quesada at a Marvel urinal today.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Vomit #8: The Comics Vomit goes up own arse, finds nothing

In an extraordinarily dubious example of meta-journalism, this publication found that its last article was its most opinionated ever.

Managing Editor Sod Rerling was quick to deny nothing. “We deny nothing. We regret calling Tony Isabella a crusty old man who was desperately trying to grasp onto any credibility his long and pitiful career accidentally produced. We should, of course, have stated that he has never had any credibility whatsoever, although he does have a delightful singing voice.”

Asked by the voices in our heads whether this was taking things a bit far, Rerling was unrepentant.

“Isabella deserves everything he gets. He started it. A few years ago, he said anybody who enjoyed ‘The Filth’ had a disturbed mind. Well, we fucking loved ‘The Filth’ here at the Vomit. And guess what, Tony? You uncle-fucking girl’s blouse stick-shovin’ spit-licking felching toadhole? You were fucking right! And we have long fucking memories!”

Vomit #7: Isabella on the rampage

President Barak Obama has been a popular choice since his election last year, but he already has one name on his enemies list when Tony Isabella heard him mention Black Lightning during the recent Galactus hoax.

“It’s an outrage!” wrote Isabella on one of his sixty-nine weekly columns yesterday. “When I created BL back in the day, I intended him to be a man of the street, helping the common man with his daily tribulations. To suggest he takes on Galactus is dubious in the extreme! I mean, I know Dazzler took care of him once, but that was an isolated incident.

“Furthermore, I find it grossly offensive that my character is being used by politicians. Heck, I can barely stand DC using him!”

The White House could not be reached for comment. Chuck Dixon could be reached for comment.

A snap internet poll conducted by some drunks we found on the street found that 90% of online dorks thought Isabella was a crusty old man who was desperately trying to grasp onto any credibility his long and pitiful career accidentally produced.

The remaining 10% thought Jeph Loeb would write a kick-ass ‘Mr. Miracle’.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Vomit #6: Galactus is here! WE'RE ALL FUCKED!

In a surprising case of life imitating art, Galactus the World Devourer appeared over Manhattan this morning.

And with Galactus intent on converting the planets mass into raw energy before feasting on it, it would appear that human civilization is doomed.

“HEAR ME, PEOPLE OF EARTH!” said Galactus in a statement apparently heard by everybody on the planet. “GALACTUS MUST FEED!”

Without any further comment, Galactus commenced building a strange unearthly device that onlookers have described as ‘impressively Kirby-like’.

Stan Lee, ex-writer of Fantastic Four and formerly believed to have been the creator of Galactus, refused to comment, although a close source indicated he was secretly pleased that his vision has been proven correct, right down to the purple boots. Even if it results in the death of us all.

International reaction has been pessimistic. “The outlook is grim,” said President Obama in a masterpiece of understatement. “We have no weapon that can defeat an enemy of this magnitude, and as far as I’m aware, we haven’t got any superheroes. I know asking for a Superman is a bit much, but hell, we’d take Black Lightning right now.”

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Vomit #5: Caught with his sword drawn

In every teenage boy’s worst nightmare, Bill Daggett of Buttfuck, Idaho, was caught by his Mom masturbating in his room over a comic book character last night.

“It was horrible,” said his tearful mother yesterday, “I just went in there to change the sheets and he was sprawled out on the floor with everything hanging out.”

“I didn’t!” moaned Daggett, 13, from behind locked doors. “I fucking didn’t!”

“Oh, he did,” answered Mrs Daggett. “It was one of them ‘Excalibur’ funny books. He tells me they’re collector’s items, but I’ve seen him looking at the same page over and over. And I know which one he’s got a crush on. It’s that Kitty Pryde tart. Especially when Alan Davis drew her.”

“Fuck off, I wasn’t!” reiterated Daggett.

Davis, when told of the breaking story while attending a dwarf-throwing competition in Helsinki, was said to be ‘vaguely disturbed’.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Vomit #4: Back from the grave

Deadset legend Graham Ingels returned from the grave yesterday in a surprisingly unsurprising move, ready to dazzle a whole new generation of comic readers with the kind of work that made EC famous in the 1950s.

“Yeah, I’m back,” said Ingels, his breath stinking with the fetid stench of the dead and his face swimming with the irony of the situation. “The old body is a little worse for wear, but I can still hold a pen! Sometimes!”

Although Ingels was initially unwilling to reveal his motives for returning to the land of the living, he eventually cracked like a decomposing egg.

“Aw, it was that damn Gaines. I’m sitting there relaxing, enjoying my afterlife, and then Bill Gaines shows up, trying to get me to draw something for him. Bastard wouldn’t leave me alone, so I hauled my ass out of the grave.”

With his body rapidly falling apart around him, Ingels remained optimistic about his future plans.

“I figure I’ve got a couple of decent covers in me before I crumple into dust…”

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Vomit #3: USA attacks Wizard

With the world teetering on the edge of an inevitable Armageddon of its own making, world relations notably thawed last night when the United States military launched a pre-emptive strike on Wizard Magazine.

"We had reason to believe they possessed weapons of mass stupidity," revealed General Jack D. Ripper in a Pentagon briefing. "And frankly, they were pissing us off."

Worldwide reaction was swift and unanimous, with total agreement from every nation on Earth, including America’s deadliest enemies.

"It’s about time," agreed Allah McAllah, Miss Tirisquani 1980 and current Antichrist. "While we are still generally displeased with the American Imperial War Machine, we were fucked off with Wizard’s sycophantic nature and disgusting toilet humour, and can only applaud Brother Barack’s swift action."

When pressed for further plans, General Ripper refused to reveal any details, but said that "if the Comics Journal doesn’t lower it’s impossibly high standards and doesn’t start recognising that genres don’t fucking matter, Gary Groth can be expecting a visit from Uncle Sam".

Vomit #2: DiDio picks winner

DC chief Dan DiDio called a press conference yesterday, desperate to inform the world of the latest developments at the comic company.

"I picked my nose yesterday," said DiDio proudly. "It was one of those sticky ones that gets right up there and I had to dig for the little fucker. I thought I had it, but then it turned into one of those bits of snot that stretch out without giving up their grip. But I persevered and finally cleared the nasal passage."

Waving the offending piece of bodily by-product in the air, DiDio would not let this incident pass without adding his final rant.

"This is a great day for DC, this is a great day for comic books, but most of all, it’s a great day for me."

Paul Levitz, who first made me cry over a bloody stupid Legion of Super Hero comic and now serves as editorial guru at DC, confirmed the incident.

"I saw the whole thing. It was absolutely disgusting. But at least he didn't mention the bowel movement."

A press release from DiDio about his bowel movement is expected soon.

Vomit #1: Joe hits the hush

In a move that has shocked, stunned and shocked the comic world, Larry Hama, who returned to his rightful place in the universe as one of the writers of one of the latest GI Joe comics, has revealed that an upcoming issue will feature absolutely nothing happening at all.

"Ha!" laughed actor/writer Hama yesterday. "We're pissing on the past, but only in the best possible way. They thought I was such hot shit with those silent issues, but we’re doing a whole issue where Snake Eyes and Stalker sit beneath a tree, clearing their minds in an attempt to achieve the state of Mu, striving to gain a greater understanding of the universe and beefing up their ability to kick the shit out of more Cobra soldiers."

Many believe that GI Joe’s more passionate fans will not appreciate this new existential direction, but Hama isn’t worried.

"No way man," he said, shortly before being informed that the conversation was being taped. "The issue after that will have a full-frontal of the Baroness. That oughta keep the little bastards happy.

"After that, I figure I will have had just about had enough of the white man ways and will be moving to Greenland."