Looking for Big Dave while I'm the drunkest I've ever been

This story might not be totally accurate, but this is how I remember it and the major point is that I was very, very drunk at the time.

Okay, so I don't really touch alcohol any more, but back in my drinking days I could put a lot of it away, and would often reach my limit while the sun was still shining and pass out in my own filth, but I think the drunkest I've ever been was the time I went looking for my Big Dave comics in the early hours of a Sunday morning.

So I was not living in my hometown at the time, but was back for a weekend visit, and one of my main goals was to find my friend Brian and get some of my 2000ads back. He'd borrowed the ones with Big Dave in, part of the Summer Offensive by Grant Morrison and Mark Millar and he'd had them for a couple of months, and I wanted to get them back.

But I couldn't find him anywhere, when I'd go to mutual friends' houses, I would have just missed him. None of us had cellphones, so it was all very random.

So I ended up going out that night with some friends and family, and ended up getting stinking drunk. There was a nightclub in town where you could pay $25, and for two hours between midnight and 2am, you could drink as much booze as you could handle, and after pre-loading at someone's fault, you could get properly rotten on that kind of offer.

This all-you-can-drink deal didn't last long, mainly because the nightclub closed at 2am, and the lights would suddenly go up and several hundred very, very drunk people would all get dumped out into the night, leading to fights and vandalism and general hooliganism. That's what happened this particular weekend, and it was 2am and I still hadn't found Brian and the vibe was bad, so I went wandering off.

I don't know where I was going, and kinda zoned out, and I was walking in some completely random part of town when I literally bumped into Brian coming the other way.

It was obviously meant to be, and having to talk to somebody sobered me up somewhat - I was still drunk as fuck, but less blacked-out - and we went back to his place to pick up the Big Dave comics that he had waiting for me.

It was in the darkest hours before the dawn, so we put on the knives and got monumentally stoned on top of our general drunkenness, but I got the 2000ad issues I needed.

And then this dude called Tarquin that we knew showed up, and that was fine, but 20 minutes later there was a knock at the door and it was a cop who was looking for Tarquin due to some mindless vandalism and he'd been seen going into Brian's flat, but the big idiot who still had glass on his boots was right behind the door and the officer couldn't see him, all he could see were two completely munted dickheads giggling over the way Big Dave gunned down the Queen, and left us all alone.

So I just went home with my 2000ads and slept for a month.

This might be the greatest effort anybody has ever gone to for some Big Dave comics, and that is not something to be proud of, but it happened, all the same. 

I'm just lucky Big Dave didn't put in an appearance like the Big Red Cheese did that one time, and thank Christ for that. Nobody needs Big fucking Dave in the real world.

Xerxes - The Fall of the House of Darius and the Rise of Alexander: Nothing is impossible

- Xerxes: The Fall of the House of Darius and the Rise of Alexander #5

 By Frank Miller 

Colours by Alex Sinclair

Justified: You pull on him....

In a world of uncertainty everywhere, and great unjustices being met with little to no consequences, there is just something very satisfying about watching Raylan Givens - as played by the immortal Timothy Olyphant - and his big hat gunning down various scum without any hesitation.

Patrick Stewart: A lifetime of great roles

We all took Patrick Stewart for granted. He was just always so good, always making whatever he appeared in so much better, and he carried so much gravitas and humanity without ever showing off, and we took him for granted.

He embraced both the serious and silly side of his profession. After a lifetime of Shakespearean magnificence, he will be mostly remembered for flying some lovely lounge suites around the galaxy, and taking over peoples' minds as one of Marvel's mightiest mutants, and he was fine with that. But he never pandered to the material, he elevated it, and he did that every week for several years on Star Trek.

Stewart's performance as Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise is still breathtaking. He made those weird onesies they had to wear look stylish, and he showed off his vast acting range on a regular basis.

There was his righteous fury at the number of lights he is being shown; and his quiet contemplation after an accidental lifetime he spent learning to play the flute; and the cold horror when he speaks as the monotonal Locutus of Borg; and the heartbreak of the confused elder of All Good Things.

Picard was also, refreshingly, not a perfect character - he had made many mistakes in his life (his biggest one was obviously messing things up with Beverly) - but under Stewart's stewardship, he also stood up for his crew all the way in the most stern and eloquent manner, he could settle wars with appeals to logic and righteousness, and he could set an ensign right with a kindly word at the right time.

And Sir Patrick brought that brilliance to everything he did, whether he was a  slimy motherfucker in ancient Rome, or an honoured knight of the round tablet. Look at the way he expresses joy when Logan walks into Professor X's office at the end of the Days of Future Past and just silently lights up, or his bellowing happiness at being reunited with his young pup Paul in the Dune film. 

And when he was a bad guy, he was still so charming that you can't really believe it. When he shows up in Green Room, he's so calm and empathetic that you almost forget he's a hateful old bigot who will kill them all without hesitation. He also managed to have two brutal face-offs with Alec Guinness' George Smiley without even using that wonderful voice.

And for all that, his greatest performance was his life as Patrick Stewart. It's only hours after the news of his passing as I write this and nearly everybody who ever met the man has some story of him being charming or helpful or kind or self-deprecating, and he was never quiet about his unwavering support for anti-violence, particularly for women and kids. It's always the man's choice to use violence and he never let anybody forget that. 

He will be remembered for his dignity and wit. He had a great sense of humor- his advocacy for Beavis and Butthead shall never be forgotten - and he was always about bringing your best and not making a fuss about it. We took that for granted, but we can appreciate it forever. 

Legends never die: Concrete, Grendel, Hellboy and the Shaolin Cowboy

I walked out of my local comic shop the other day with brand new issues of Concrete, Grendel, Hellboy and Shaolin Cowboy, so I think it's fair to say that I found my comic book tribe a long time ago, and I see no reason to abandon them any time soon.

All we need now is some Sin City - and with the generally bonkers direction of Frank Miller's work in the past two decades, I would love to see what he'd do with a new Sin City, (but I might draw the line at more of Byrne's Next Men).

It's not just that these comics I'm still getting are all published by the venerable Dark Horse, they all represent a certain kind of artist - the hardworking and consistent professional who has stayed true to their roots, still adding to vast tapestries they began weaving in the 80s and 90s, and clearly having an absolute ball doing it. They might not be seen as hot as they once were by the wider industry, but their standards of craft and sheer storytelling chops are undeniable.

They are also - despite superficial similarities - giving me different things. The new Concrete comic by Paul Chadwick is as thoughtful as ever, clear in both intellect and art. It also takes some unexpected turns - I thought the whole 'Concrete Goes Wild' thing would last a lot longer, before the story became a quiet meditation on the everyday challenges of living with brain damage.

Meanwhile, Matt Wagner's Grendel is a clear contemporary to Concrete, but could not be more different, and the latest series is as brutal and efficient as ever. However, it is also heading down unexpected paths - I really thought Wagner might kill off Prime in the latest issue, but he just wiped out all the wonderfully-designed Grendel elders instead.

And Shaolin Cowboy is as insane as ever, shots of philosophy coming at you like liquid bullets. Geof Darrow's detail work is still as intoxicating as ever and there is a dark and sick humour behind the whole thing, background characters spitting out bits of political bile that can sometimes resonate hard.

All of these series have gone away and come back again, often after years of dormancy, but there has always been Hellboy. While I still think about the end of BPRD every day, I haven't really been able to keep up with everything in that crooked universe since then, but I am getting the current Hellboy in Hell issues (generally the only ones I bother with are the ones where Mignola doesn't use a co-writer) and it's as moody and twisted as ever.

So even though there are superficial similarities - and yes, they are all written and drawn by old white guys - they are all very different books, and I do feel like I'm getting a varied diet, and have been for 30 years now. I'll keep following these comics for as long as they make them.

Sparks aren't a real thing

There is some part of me that still believes that the band Sparks are some kind of massive practical joke at my expense, because even though they apparently had a long and distinguished musical career, I had literally never heard of them, and then suddenly they were doing the music for a Leos Carax film, and Edgar Wright was doing a documentary about them, and while they are obviously legitimate, I will not be surprised if Ron Mael takes off his post-Morrison fiction suit one day and turns out to be Andy Kaufman all along.

I'm sure that if I go back through my beloved Q and Mojo magazines from the 1990s they will be rife with Sparks, and there is plenty of evidence that they are an actual thing, and that they just never registered with me for some reason. But I prefer the harmless conspiracy theory that everybody is in on the joke except me.

Judge Dredd and the beat before annihilation

It's arguably the biggest moment in the history of Judge Dredd. It's the climax to the Apocalypse War, and the only way Dredd can save his beloved Mega-City-One requires the annihilation of half a billion souls. And he doesn't hesitate, replying to the poor Sov begging for the lives of his countrymen for some mercy with a terse 'request denied!'. And then he pushes the button, and murders 500 million people. 

This was in a kid's comic, and I thought it was rad when I read it as a kid, and it's no less awesome all these years later.

It's a moment that has been reprinted often, and referenced even more in the strip itself - Dredd's actions have catastrophic consequences for his own city, for decades to come. In the wider context of the 50-year history of Dredd, there are no bigger moments than this one.

And the exact moment the button is pushed is also slightly remarkable for one tiny choice - that panel break between Dredd's grim visage and his finger on the button.

It's all one big picture and it's not a terribly dynamic premise, with Dredd reaching over and pushing a button. But that break into two panels gives the moment a beat, a chance for the reader to catch their breath before Armageddon reigns. It's also a moment of emphasis, drawing attention to a single finger, and the terrible power that can be unleashed with the flex of a digit.

While there is a chance that the mighty writing team of Wagner and Grant asked for this beat, it's more likely that it was artist Carlos Ezquerra's doing, because he was always pulling clever shit like this.

He did this thing where he would have one of his badasses fire their weapon, and their target exploding, and in a way that doesn't actually make sense logically, or adhering to any form of physics, and it didn't matter, because it always looked fucking awesome, and his moments of action felt right and natural, as long as you didn't think about them too hard.

I just know that one day in the early 1980s, Ezquerra was drawing this moment, and he knew it was a big deal, and it just needed a tiny - almost subliminal - touch to give it an impact, and he did it by inserting the thinnest of panel gutters right in the middle of it. It was the right thing to do, even if the vast majority of readers never even notice it, because this type of epic climax deserves an extra second. 

Planet of the shamed

I still feel bad about a bold proclamations I made about the Uncanny X-Men comics when I was 11 years old. I once confidently spun a line of absolute bullshit about the history of Rogue. I remember where I was when I was explaining how Rogue was actually a Dire Wrath (a bold misreading of something I'd heard somewhere), and I remember who I was explaining it to.

I still feel shame about that. I think back on it and hope the person I was telling about this never found out the truth, or was so bored by my bullshit that it never even occurred to them to verify it. And I still feel dumb about my arrogant stupidity, and still feel ashamed about it, 40-something years later.

Is this normal? I know plenty of other folk who can't help fixating on their moments of mind-numbing stupidity, but do most people really give a damn? Do most people just forget about it, and move on in their life?

I'm not talking about the big shit in life, like heinous betrayals or great cruelties. Just the dumb crap that absolutely nobody in the world cares about, but that you can still carry around in your heart. 

But if we can't feel bad about the small shit, it's no wonder so many people can be totally sociopathic about everything in their life, without feeling any kind of shame or guilt about it.

We do now live in a brazenly shameless world, from your loud neighbours to the heinous creatures walking the highest corridors of power, and people do extraordinarily horrible things that I would not be able to bear, just on an emotional level.

It feels like a distinctly 21st century problem, with social media pouring gasoline on the fires of human ignorance. People have no shame in showing how fucking stupid, or bigoted, or just mean they are, because it gets them more attention. And they never feel any shame about it. It's a nice fantasy that Fox News presenters go home and cry into their pillow because they're obviously making the world a worse place every single day, but they fucking don't, or they'd actually stop that shit. They're fine with it.

And how shamed am I really, when I'm still somehow bragging about how I still feel the dumbest of guilt about an X-Men nonsense? Is that even helping, or am I just showing how I am so much better than  allthe meatheads with their blithe cruelties? 

All I really know is that shame can be a crippling social anxiety for some, but it also has its uses, and I really do think the world could use a bit more shame in it.

Marvel Fanfare: Best of the rest

- Marvel Fanfare #45

Art by Art Adams, Bret Blevins, Howard Chaykin, Michael Golden, Michael Wm. Kaluta, Jim Lee, Steve Leialoha, Mike Mignola, Kevin Nowlan, John Romita Jr, Bill Sienkiewicz, Ken Steacy and Charles Vess

Colours by Petra Goldberg, Richard Ory, Gregory Wright, Christie Scheele and Steve Oliff