In every teenage boy’s worst nightmare, Bill Daggett of Buttfuck, Idaho, was caught by his Mom masturbating in his room over a comic book character last night.
“It was horrible,” said his tearful mother yesterday, “I just went in there to change the sheets and he was sprawled out on the floor with everything hanging out.”
“I didn’t!” moaned Daggett, 13, from behind locked doors. “I fucking didn’t!”
“Oh, he did,” answered Mrs Daggett. “It was one of them ‘Excalibur’ funny books. He tells me they’re collector’s items, but I’ve seen him looking at the same page over and over. And I know which one he’s got a crush on. It’s that Kitty Pryde tart. Especially when Alan Davis drew her.”
“Fuck off, I wasn’t!” reiterated Daggett.
Davis, when told of the breaking story while attending a dwarf-throwing competition in Helsinki, was said to be ‘vaguely disturbed’.