The Official Handbook of the Tearoom of Despair Deluxe Edition – Update ‘09

BOB TEMUKA

Real name: Unknown

Occupation: Journalist, lazy son of a bitch

Identity: Secretive

Legal Status: Citizen of New Zealand with no criminal record, except for that one time

Other aliases: Mr Smith, Max Zero, Robert Smith

Place of Birth: Timaru, New Zealand

Marital status: Blissfully and smugly married

Known relatives: The wife and assorted hanger-ons.

Group affiliation: Unlikely

Base of operations: Right here, right now

First appearance: Tales to Admonish #27

History: A stunningly mediocre writer who is constantly surprised that anybody thinks this shit is worth reading, Bob Temuka has been reading comics since he was two years old and remains fanatically devoted to the artform, despite the constant disappointments it throws at us all.

Growing up in a small town on the arse end of the world where nobody else gave a shit about comics, he managed to find one friend who was into some of the same things, but could never find anybody who really, genuinely cared about the whole fucking thing, from the scratchy wit of Evan Dorkin and Alan Davis’ gorgeous women to the crushing brilliance of Doom Patrol and open grace of Lone Wolf & Cub.

And then he got on the internet and it all got a bit overwhelming. Dabbled in message board community life on CBR 10 years ago, but got a bit freaked out by the weird hostility of it all. Still managed to make some good friends. He has met one of them in real life.

Started a blog because he loves comics so fucking much, and didn’t see a hell of a lot of in-depth writing on the stuff that fascinates him, from minor masterpieces to thoughts over the way the comic page interacts with the human brain. Still hasn’t got hold of this whole depth thing, but doing his best. At the very least, he has got to get this shit out of his head, because it doesn’t help to keep it all bottled inside.

His favourite comic of all time is 2000ad and favourite of the year so far is Criminal, which makes him feel terribly sorry that it took him so bloody long. He thinks the best songs in the whole world right now are Neil Young’s Ohio and Long, Slow Goodbye by the Queens of the Stone Age. The last film that made him cry was JCVD and the last movie to really, really make him cry was The Lives of Others.

Bob Temuka loves Lost more than any other television show around at the moment and doesn’t care who knows it, but this is only until Doctor Who comes back on television.

In real life, he lives in Mount Eden in Auckland and is married to a long-suffering wife who gets a kick out of the joy he gets from comics and he really does love her more each and every day. He don’t tell her this enough.

Sometimes she gets a glimpse of the true geek in me, but I try to keep that away from her as much as possible. That’s what you lot are for.

Height: Yes.

Weight: Yes.

Eyes: A bit fucked

Hair: Going grey, but not receding, like the Phantom Stranger

Strength level: Bob Temuka posses the normal human strength of a male of his age, height and build who engages in fuck-all regular exercise.

Known superhuman powers: Bob Temuka possesses an absolute love for good comics that outshines the glow from any other entertainment, combined with the overpowering need to know everything about them. Unfortunately, he is also complete crap at convincing other people to try out the stuff that thrills him and often sits alone in the spare room of his apartment, weeping over old Justice League issues and drinking whiskey.
Note: 13% of this entry is complete bullshit.