Evan Dorkin recently said that if his 12 year old self could see him now, he kick his older self in the crotch and tell him to get the fuck outta here. All these movies based on Marvel comics and old cartoons that are halfway decent and he doesn’t even bother to see them. It’s the House of Ennui after a while and who cares if Captain America is dead? It’s never been the same since Kirby left.
I don’t want to end up like that, but it’s happening. I’m an absolute fiend for a good blockbuster and I still couldn’t be arsed going to see Transformers and the Fantastic Four movies. They just looked too mediocre and life is too short.
I still went to see Watchmen as soon as I could and I liked it a lot.
And there is always something good to look forward. A good blockbuster trailer sells you on the movie in two and a half minutes. I still remember the rush of the first Independence Day trailer and its impact on a theatre, or seeing the preview for The Matrix during a rugby adbreak.
There are three films that I know shouldn’t be good for me, but I can’t help myself. They’re all based on known qualities that have disappointed in the past and I still watch the latest trailers three or four time a week and never get sick of them. I’ll be there on opening night, if I can.
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X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
I shouldn’t because the last x-film was boring. It went nowhere interesting and everybody involved mixed up looking intense with looking bored. And they killed Cyclops. Poor Scott.
I was always liked Cyclops best. He was a bit of a jerk, got awfully smug and treated his women badly. He would whine about the unfairness of the world. But you could always count on him in a fight. His tactics were legendary. He was Mr Cool under real pressure and a master at working out the angles.
And then there he is in a new Wolverine film, blasting away with his eye lasers. Fucking-a. That’s still an impressive power when Scott goes all mental on it.
Other than that, the bit that really sold me in the last trailer is the part where the dude shoots Wolverine in the motherfuckin’ face and just PISSES HIM OFF. That gives me the dorkiest chubby in all creation.
It looks like it might go for deeper waters than the idea really deserves, leading to lots of shots of people looking haunted and mournful and shit. Fortunately, this seems to be balanced out by some mental motorcycle madness and people with incredible abilities beating the shit out of each other.
Also, exploding helicopters. So, you know. Could never turn down an exploding helicopter.
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I shouldn’t because the last Terminator film was boring. It went nowhere the franchise hadn’t been before and was a bit confused. And forgot to use the awesomest music that ever awesomed.
And then the new one has Sam Worthington doing something interesting and more exploding helicopter things and Christian Bale being all intense and people getting rifle butts to the face and I still have a secret crush on the Charlie’s Angels films.
Oh God, I hope they use the music, in some way. If they don’t, I will not like it.
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I shouldn’t because the last Star Trek film was boring. I can’t even remember what it was called and to be honest, I haven’t got excited about Star Trek since 1992, when I bought a special TV aerial for $78 just to see some new Next Generation.
But fucking hell. That last trailer? That’s a work of goddamn art, that is.
It’s sexy. It’s loud. It’s got Kirk shagging alien birds and taking charge. It’s colourful. It’s because ‘James T Kirk was a great man. But that was another life’. It’s seeing these wonderful, wonderful characters built up over decades of stories, in their absolute prime. Kicking arse and writing their own legends.
It’s Bruce Greenwood, who I always knew would make a fantastic old guy, double-fucking-daring Kirk to be a man. It’s John Cho, bringing it with a sword to save the universe, Simon Pegg, bringing it with the charm and Karl Urban, bringing it with the best brow in modern cinema. It’s the unfamiliarity of Pine and Quinto, letting them inhabit their new roles. That cheeky salute Pine chucks out, or the steely and logical determination that Quinto looks to have mastered. It’s everything I like about big, loud space movies.
When I was seven, I walked 11 kays to go se Star Trek 2 and it was fucking worth it. I raged against the world when I missed Star Trek VI at the cinema and had to wait six goddamn months for a video viewing.
I would do the same for the new one if I could.
And I can’t. I won’t be able to for two weeks after its global release. It’s killing me inside. I try to pretend it doesn’t and sometimes I even convince myself.
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(Dorian is so much better at these things.)
I’m also looking forward to Inglorious Basterds, because that rush I got from Reservoir Dogs still hasn’t faded; Public Enemies, because Michael Mann is Always Good; and Crank 2 because it’s JASON STATHAM. Everything else can wait for $1 DVD night.
Oh man, I hope I never get sick of big, loud movies with a bit of brain, charm and energy. It’s good to have something to look forward to. It’s the crazy shit that shows us crazy sights that help make life worth living.
And if I get sick of that, I am totally punching my future self in the balls.