The brilliant British comedy Peep Show is done and dusted after 10 seasons of agonising and truthful moments. While I still hope that we can check in on Mark and Jeremy every 10 years ago, if only to confirm that they will never, ever learn a fucking thing, I really wish they would just give Super Hans his own talk show, in which he pontificates on life and offers appallingly awful advice.
Super Hans On true love…
"I'd take a fucking truncheon up the arris for this one. Or an umbrella. I would open an umbrella up inside my arris for this one."
"I'm getting married, and I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. That is how I feel today, Molly. So suffused with love, I'd put a glass in the face of anyone who tried to stop us joining our souls together. I'd hospitalise them."
On war…
"War makes people horny. Yalta, Yalta was hardcore, Stalin and Roosevelt sandwich, Churchill sat on the side wanking. Yeah?"
On the value of vans…
"You should just a get a van. With a van it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a fucking van! You're not just a man anymore, you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven."
On music...
"See, the longer the note, the more dread."
"Dude, that's not jam, that's just total fucking marmalade."
On the importance of taking drugs at big life-changing events…
"You should drop acid at the funeral. Make it more intense. That's what I did at me old man's, it was fucking mental. I was crying and laughing. Didn't know who was dead and who was alive."
"But if you're tripping and you're having a baby, it's like "Fuuuck!" You know? You see a little guy come out of there, what's gonna happen next? Frogs out of her arsehole? Milk out of her ears? Anything's possible."
On ecclesiastical politics…
"Don't pigeonhole me, dude. Barchester Chronicles. Ecclesiastical politics when you're high. These guys really knew how to do a fucking number on each other."
On parties…
"We are gonna have parties in this place that go beyond fun and actually get really, really nasty."
On history…
"That will probably become clear later, like the French Revolution."
"People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can’t trust people, Jeremy."
On the Meaning of Life…
"It's a pisser, though, innit? Cancer. They should a find a fucking cure. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important."
"Real men don't get the Earth to help carry their luggage, mate. They carry it themselves."
"Thoughts. You wanna give that shit a rest. You've been going and thinking thoughts your whole life, and look where that's got you, eh."
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