How to judge a movie

The worst thing to read in any piece of film criticism - apart from the outright bigotry that sometimes boils to the surface - is when somebody talks about a movie having a poor script, and then they just leave it like that.

What does that even mean? Are they talking about the plot, or the dialogue, or the characterization?  Is it just full of clichés, or just purely implausible? There are plenty of things that a script does in any movie, and it might do some things very well while falling flat on others.

I haven't done any serious film criticism in years now. It ruined my enjoyment of movies, sitting there in the dark, trying to think up a clever lede, instead of actually immersing in a story. But I still judge every film I ever see. Most of them have something worthwhile - even if its s single shot or a heartfelt performance, - and some are laughingly stupid (there is one I'll talk about next week sometime which actually baffled me with its foolishness).

And movies are complex thing, made by a shared forced consensus. Despite what a bunch of French cinephiles in the 1950s thought, cinema is the most collaborative of all the arts, and requires hundreds of people to make the most basic of movies. 

This complexity is in the work itself, and there can be many things to like in a movie, and many things to be critical of in the same 90 minutes.

But when it comes to working out if I genuinely like a movie or not, I've boiled it down to five things that I judge all films on. They are:

1. Style

It's increasingly hard to see in these days of the beige digital look infecting everything, but a movie just has to look cool. Something that makes it stand out, something that makes it memorable.

It's not just the look, it's also use of music, which makes an enormous difference. I remain baffled by the filmmakers who use music as an incidental thing, instead of a crucial component. Some throbbing synth, or strange melodies giving you a proper earworm.

But overall, it just looks good, with use of colour, and scenery, and costuming. Groovy lighting and beautiful people doing awful things. Cool shit.

2. Humor

It can be dry as dust, or screaming in your face, but a little funny goes a long way. Making other human beings laugh is a truly great thing, and I am extremely fond of terrible movies that have one genuine laugh out loud moment.

Even films that take themselves deadly seriously can have the humour of the deadpan. Anything that is truly without any kind of wit - intended or otherwise - should be easily dismissed. 

3. Charm 

It's just the smile of a good actor, or a director at the height of their powers and swaggering across the screen. You just want to hang with these people, in the dark, for a couple of hours. 

4. Tension

They say all drama comes from conflict, and it might be a knife-fight in a crowded nightclub, or the terrible emotions of a family breakdown, but a film needs a pulse, and the beats of action and thrills and sphincter-tightening provide the best throb.

All good thrillers and horrors and action films and disaster movies need it.

I fucking hate guns, but I love a good gunfight. 

5. Intelligence 

Some films make you feel smart, because they are made with obvious intelligence. Unexpected plot developments, the obvious merits of a new perspective.

And they don't treat you like a chump, and have some respect for the audience and don't spoon feed everything to you, because they know you are with you. 

6. Emotion 

It's just got to have a dose of humanity, you know? Something recognisable, something universal, something that makes a connection. 

What else are we here for?

There's obviously more to it than that. For starters, all films come with their own context - both real world and within the story itself - and you have to judge films against others of its type, not something it's not trying to be.

But it is very, rare to find a film that achieves in all of the six pillars of my own special ratings, and any film has to have at least a couple to stand out from the crowd. And if it has four or more, it's a stone cold classic.

It can feel reductive, and extremely fucking nerdy to think about movies in this way. And sometimes you just have to go with a gut feeling, and not overthink it so much. But overthinking is what I do, and I don't think I'll ever stop picking apart films like it's a goddamn autopsy.