This is all her own work….
(Spoilers, obviously)
***
The Parade of Exposition
The Starks are lined up to welcome the king to Winterfell. They are Ned and Cat Stark and their kids Robb (like his parents, he's too boring for a comedy name), Censor, Boygirl, Bran Mullpuppy and As Yet Unnamed Baby Brother Hiding Somewhere in the Wings for Potential Future Reference.
Boygirl: Check it out! Here comes King Robert and his queen Slutty Lannister, with her brothers Sleazy and Snarky! They call Snarky the imp. Isn't that fascinating?
Censor: Why are you telling me this?
Boygirl: And there's the king's son Joffrey! Don't be fooled by his 12-year-old visage, I'm betting he's at least 14. Maybe the two of you could hook up!
Censor: Seriously, what is this? I know who they are.
Boygirl: Look at that fellow in the dog helmet! He's scowling ominously! Who knows when he might show up again?
Censor: Would you shut up with the commentary? I'm trying to watch the parade and scope out the blonde kid.
Boygirl: Well you do look very nice and girly, since you're the feminine one. Did you notice my helmet? That means I'm the tomboy.
Censor: SHUT IT! Don't you have some gender stereotypes to break down or something? Bugger off!
Boygirl: And look, there's our illegitimate brother Jon Snow standing in the crowd! Dad named him Yellow when he was going through his Coldplay phase but Jon decided to change it. I don't know why.
Censor: Look! It's Snarky the dwarf! Go fetch, girl!
Boygirl: *tears off in search of Snarky*
Censor: Finally! That kid needs to lay off the crack.
***
Incest isn't just wrong, it's deadly.
Outside a tower at Castle Stark
Bran Mullpuppy Stark: You know Direwolf Puppy, my mother keeps pointedly telling me not to climb walls as if it's going to be significant to my future or something. Despite the fact that I've yet to fall off anything, she's been making a pretty big deal about it. So I think I'm gonna climb this giant tower.
Direwolf Puppy: Moron.
Bran: Huff…huff…pulling myself up this slippery stone wall for no apparent reason sure is hard, but I have a feeling it's going to be particularly rewarding. Hey, what's that noise?
Direwolf Puppy: I really think you should come down. I've heard that sound before and I don't think you want to…
Bran: What the?!
The Lannister twins are sharing an intimate family moment. On their knees. In the tower room.
Direwolf Puppy: *facepaw*
Bran: Hey! What are you doing?
Sleazy Lannister: Uh, would you believe it was the Heimlich manoeuvre?
Bran: Come on dude. I'm young, not retarded.
Sleazy: *sidles over to the window* Yeeees, young, how old did you say? Ten? And you like stuff? I, myself am particularly fond of stuff, especially my sister as you may have noticed. And although I'm sure you wouldn't tell anyone what you saw, you'll have to understand that I really must - *pushes Bran out the window* - push you out the window.
Slutty Lannister: Would you treat our, I mean my son like this?
Sleazy: Of course not! I'd make sure he hooked up with a more age-appropriate relative than either of us. Although he does have a pretty mouth…
***
You're in a metaphor!
Meanwhile, somewhere over the sea, Rapey McSavage and Crying Chick get closer.
Rapey McSavage: I am Steve Holt! naked right now. Assume the position!
Crying Chick: No.
RM: Huh?
CC: NO.
RM: Oh no I heard you the first time, I just don't understand why you think you have the right to say no to a McSavage.
CC: Because I want to go on top this time so you can look into my eyes and see love. Or something. And totally not catch on to my plan to find a real dragon to smite you and your tribe from the face of the earth. Or something.
RM: On…top?
CC: Uh huh.
RM: Well I don't know about that, I mean us McSavages have always been about the doggy and we're really a one-position tribe and I don't know if that would OH MY GOD THIS IS AWESOME.
CC: And despite your weird eyebrows and terrible hair and makeup, you're still somehow less creepy than my brother.
***
King Bob’s Jolly Joust of Death
The prosaically named Mountain is getting ready to stick his lance in the Knight of the Flowers. Seriously, that’s his name.
Littlefinger: I shall bet a whore’s weight in gold on the Mountain.
Prince McCloset: *sniggers*
Littlefinger: Something you want to say there, George Michael?
Prince McCloset: You’re so going to lose Littlefinger. No one can defeat the Knight of the Flowers. Not wearing that ghastly armour. And just look at that beard! *shudders*
Littlefinger: Maybe when I win, I’ll buy the Mountain a makeover.
Prince McCloset: Or maybe you could buy yourself another one of those David Bowie man-dresses you’re so fond of, Littlefinger. Oh I’m sorry, is that a coat?
They snark at each other until the joust begins.
The Mountain’s Horse: I can do this. I can do it. Yes I can. This is it! Pumped! *prances a bit, hums Eye of the Tiger*
The Mountain’s Horse: Omph! This guy weighs a freaking tonne. It’s ok. Winning! Just run in a straight line like last time. Ok? Ok! Yeah!
They joust, the Mountain is unseated.
The Mountain’s Horse: What the…?! I ran in a line just like last time! How did this go wrong? What the hell did he do? He looks pretty pissy. Why does he have that sword? Hey! What are you…aargghhghgurglegurgle.
The Mountain decapitates his horse.
Prince McCloset: Oh what a shame, Littlefinger. You would have looked so pretty in some paisley.
Littlefinger: Whatevs, Brokeback Mountain. Tell me, which one of you is Jake Gyllenhaal? I’m guessing it’s you cos your buddy there looks waaaay too comfortable with a big stick in his hand to be the catcher if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Prince McCloset: Sweet fancy Moses, how did he find out the Knight of the Flowers was gay?!
***
C'mon baby, light my DragonfireCasper Milkface (brother to Crying Chick) and his Whore of the Moment are in the tub.
WoM: You know what I love?
CM: Guys without much pigment?
WoM: Dragons. I looooooove dragons.
CM: Did I mention I was part dragon? That's right, one of my ancestors got it on with a giant lizard. That turning you on?
WoM: Tell me more!
CM: Well we had a whole bunch of dragon skulls at my house…
WoM: Yes! YES!
CM: And I used to talk to them all because I was a normal and well-balanced child. Their names were Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen….
WoM: *pulling his hair in fits of passion* MORE! TELL ME MORE!
CM: But then we redecorated and the skulls got sold at a flea market.
WoM: Way to kill the vibe there. Seriously, I was this close.
Later…
Casper strides in and flings a hapless servant at the feet of his sister, Empress Crying Chick.
CM: How dare you! Who do you think you are, ordering me around, letting the horse people give me the beat-down and inviting me to dinner?!
CC: Cool your jets, Cotton Wool. Look, I had a gift made for you.
CM: A leather girdle?! You know I don't have the pecs for this! WHY DO YOU TAUNT ME!!!
*Struggle in which he tries and fails to slap his sister but she manages to deck him*
CC: You listen here! These are my people and my horseys and my incredibly large and angry husband and if you touch me with your creepy wandering hands again I will drug you and let my hubby Malcolm McDowell you because let's face it, all us pale folks look the same to him from behind. Don't think I won't!
CM: *snivels quietly*
***
Party at Tent McSavage
Casper Milkface: Check out my amusingly native sister eating that horse's heart. She'll never keep it down although I hear she's pretty good at swallowing ifyouknowwhatImean.
Traitor O'Noble: Dude, you creep me out something fierce.
Crying Chick: Nom nom nom nom.
McSavages: *chant rhythmic gobbledegook*
Crying Chick: Nom nom nom ugh…ugh…
Casper Milkface: Here comes the puking!
Crying Chick: GULP.
McSavages: Huzzah!
Crying Chick: I have a prince growing inside me! And his name shall be…..RINGO!!
McSavages: Rin-go! Rin-go!
Rapey McSavage: Oh man, I'm really more of a Lennon guy. I wonder if we can make Ringo his middle name…..
***
Ned Stark, Boy Detective
Ned: Censor, Boygirl, I need you both to go home to Winterfell where it's safe.
Censor: But I don't want to go! I want to stay here and marry Joffrey and give him babies with golden hair!
Ned: Actually, they'd probably be ging…
Censor: GOLDEN HAIR. They will look nothing like the ugly king, just like Joffrey looks nothing like his supposed father!
Ned: Wait. A. Second. My spidey sense is tingling but I don't know why. Go and pack while I think about it.
*Ned goes for a walk in the garden*
Ned: Hmmm.
*Gets a shave*
Ned: Hmmm.
*Polishes his armour*
Ned: Hmmm.
*Reads the giant Who's Who of the Seven Kingdoms*
Ned: Robert's grandfather: black hair. Robert's father: black hair. Robert: black hair. Joffrey: golden hair. Hmmm…
Ned:…
Ned: OMG JOFFREY GETS HIGHLIGHTS.
To be continued…
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2 comments:
So, Bob, you gonna read the books? Eh? Are you?
I'm certainly going to read the first book now, but I liked the TV show so much I'm going to hold off on the other books until they are covered by the TV series.
It ain't easy, but the rewards are worth it.
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